#004: How do we embrace vulnerability?

Anxiety triggers, milk tea cravings, Women's Month, and more tiny yet precious life moments

Mar 28, 2021

Hey, friend! Thank you for being here. This is a Sunday newsletter! It may be or may not be every Sunday, but this OK to BE email will arrive in your inbox anytime on a Sunday. At the moment, you will receive musings about relatable everyday adventures, more silly than serious stories, and some tiny yet precious moments of life (well, mine, mostly) in between. If anything here touches you in any way, I encourage you to write back or leave a comment—and I shall reply! Also, this is a public dispatch, so feel free to share with a friend or two. Enjoy! :)

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tw // anxiety, death

Please feel free to skip this issue if you feel like this isn’t something you want to read at this point in your life. To my patrons who are also subscribed to this newsletter, I’m at the risk of repeating myself here because I already talked about this a couple of times on my Patreon. However, I think it’s worth echoing because it might help another person even in the tiniest way. :)

And always keep your feet on the ground because the flooring is nice

It started with a mall fire that happened a couple of days before Christmas Day a few years ago, which was a huge deal because close to 40 people got stuck inside. Whenever I opened anything online, it was all I could see. The constant updates pushed me to keep close tabs, leading to browsing the victims’ profiles and their relatives’ cries for help. I was doomscrolling for days, if you may.

The people didn’t make it. It was devastating. But I knew the fragility of life so at that point, it was like, okay, that’s just how it is. Days later, just before the New Year hit, my dad at random talked about his friend’s son who recently died. I can’t remember what of, but I do recall it was the son being around my age (fairly young, ahem, ahem) that tipped me over.

Come third of January, the anxiety began. It was the first time ever in my life I had troubles going to sleep. (I inherited my dad’s ability to sleep like a baby so this was major.) My mind was clouded with thoughts of death—my own, my family’s, all my loved ones—and all the possibilities of it happening anytime. From then on, every little thing I read, watched, or saw, I would associate with death, or interpret as a sign of death. I would always be on the verge of crying, no matter what time it was or whatever it was I was in the middle of doing.

It got so bad that I would break down when I wouldn’t get a reply or a call back from my parents or anyone that I was in contact with even just after a few minutes because my brain’s go-to was “Oh no, something bad has happened.” I also organized everything I owned—to give away, donate, gift, throw, or burn. The idea was “If I died today, who would take care of these? I don’t want anybody else looking through my things.” Funny thing was, before all of this, I already KonMari’d. Most of the stuff I had then were already Important and Joy-Sparking. I got rid of a lot of them (photos, journals, souvenirs, letters, ya name it), anyway, because a part of my brain that was sick told me so.

The overwhelming intensity of my fear went on for weeks. My family, when I told them, was as expected a great and very solid support system, as we had gone through major things similar to this before, and were always willing to comfort me anytime. They also encouraged me to go see a psychiatrist, which I declined—a very personal choice, which I understand is not for everybody and not everybody can understand.

It wasn’t that I was against getting diagnosed or going to therapy or taking medication—in fact, I advocate for these. But at the time, I felt like it was something I knew I could do and needed to do on my own and for myself. So I did. I, for the lack of a better term, Inception-ed my brain. I mulled over my thoughts and gauged the rationality and irrationality of each one. I searched for and talked to people who knew managing anxiety all too well. I started reading the Bible again, which was what really pulled me through. As predictable and maybe a little cheesy it may be, but when people ask me, how did you do it, how did you ‘come out of it,’ I always say, “God saved me,” and also always mean it.

He really did. He also gave me and my family the cheapest two-way tickets for a winter trip to Japan (Php2,000/person? Come on), which had been booked months ahead, as if to place it perfectly in time to help me recover. A couple of our recorded personal trips are on my YouTube channel [but you’ll see more of my brother because I’m not really much of an on-cam person] and if you ever catch me in any of these vlogs, it will remind you that mental health issues do have many faces, and that recovery looks different for different people.

I didn’t become anxiety-proof, of course. In fact, on the flight back home on that very trip, I called the attention of the flight attendant because of some weird whirring on my side of the plane. (It turned out to be nothing, obviously, because here I am, writing this newsletter.) My anxiety still lives inside of me (and hello?? Pandemic?)—the blessing is that having gone through that, I have gotten to be just maybe a little bit better at understanding, accepting, and managing it.

Family

I had this silly challenge of not cutting my hair unless the pandemic ended but THAT WAS CLEARLY AN OVERSIGHT. So this weekend, I scheduled an appointment (lol) with my dad, who usually cuts our hair (but sometimes I do it on my own too), and came out a new person. Sorry, no reveals here, but if I may say so, my shorter hair makes me look like I could date Jungkook—and he’d be the older looking one. (I hope you know by now not to take my quips too seriously.) How many times did you get a haircut over the past year?

Food

This might be shocking to some of you but I don’t have a food delivery app on my phone. Never have. My appetite is already such an enthusiastic one, so I have to put up walls to resist temptation… AS IF! I go out instead to follow where my cravings (usually sweet /tears) take me, and in the past week, they led me to these:

Not sponsored but if you know this milk tea store, or better yet, BTS, send them this newsletter, thanks

Marshmallow cookies. That’s it.

I paid an equivalent of two dozens of Dunkin Donuts for these but they were worth it

What do you usually crave for, and how often do you ~lose to them?

Fiction

Thank you to those who read and commented on the short fic I shared in the previous newsletter! I know I promised to share more, but I haven’t gotten to creating the ~ahrt for the next ones, so I’ll talk about something kind of new instead: I’m attending a children’s lit workshop, and signed up for a… kind of poetry group (we don’t know what to call it yet). I’m not an expert of either two (writing for children is the hardest), but these are something I’ve always wanted to do and get somehow not-so-bad at. Btw, if writing poems is up your alley, reply to this so I can invite you when the group is open to more.

What’s a genre or writing style have you always wanted to try?

⭐ Featured

...Word of the Week — Binisaya: hagok, which means snore. In a sentence: “Kusuga ba nimo muhagok!” (“You snore so loud!”), “Ninghagok siya sa kakapoy.” (“[The person] snored out of exhaustion.”)

...Words of the Week — Ilocano: pipya, which is used to express agreement, confirmation, or approval. I don’t think it’s very popularly used but it’s something we say all the time in our household, and in our extended families. In a sentence: “Nakariing kan? Pipya.” (“Are you awake now? That’s good.”), “Loadan kan ti 100? / Pipya.” (“Should I (re)load you with Php100? / Yes.")

...Sign of the Week — Filipino Sign Language: I can sign but it’s best to learn from someone within the community or from an expert. Click here to learn basic Person signs like family, mother, baby, and others (not sponsored, not connected).

...Book of the Week: I found this flawless hardbound copy at a Booksale. I haven’t read it in full yet, but thought it’d be fitting to share since we’re going into Holy Week.

I told you, God’s always coming through for me, even in bookstores

And since it’s still Women’s Month, sharing here an article from Bookbed about “Why Filipinos Should Read Women Authors” and about the most recent silent reading session we had for #BookbedMeets.

That’s it for now! Thank you for being here. I hope you picked up something fun or useful! See you in the next one. ☀️

If you enjoyed this newsletter or have any questions, I hope you let me know. I appreciate your effort in growing our connection!

OK to BE