#009: How do we understand our envy?

Customized school uniforms, upcycled tiny projects, the OK to BE zine!, and more tiny yet precious life moments

Jun 27, 2021

Hey, friend! Thank you for being here. This is a Sunday newsletter! It may be or may not be every Sunday, but this OK to BE email will arrive in your inbox anytime on a Sunday. At the moment, you will receive musings about relatable everyday adventures, more silly than serious stories, and some tiny yet precious moments of life (well, mine, mostly) in between. If anything here touches you in any way, I encourage you to write back or leave a comment—and I shall reply! Also, this is a public dispatch, so feel free to share with a friend or two. Enjoy! :)

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When I was younger, jealousy was a more familiar feeling. It would visit me as I stared at my elementary classmates' stroller bags while lugging my sling bag and hand bag around, both giveaways from my parents' office holiday parties. It would pop up, catching me unguarded, whenever I heard my high school classmates donning their tailored uniforms, as I always got mine, all ready-made, from the department store. It would creep up on me in college whenever I saw other students buying brand new reference books like they were candies while I had to stretch my 100-peso daily allowance (this was mid-2000s) just to afford photocopying all the reading materials. (To be fair, I hardly ever photocopied everything; I spent most of the money instead on second hand novels and internet time in computer shops.)

I have tried to rationalize these memories countless times (and did it again just now), and I am being completely honest when I say I knew I didn't want those things for myself at the time. If I did, all I had to do was ask my parents. Now we're not a rich family at all—our shared values of frugality, simple living, and investment in the nonmaterial—but we were okay. I could have had what I wanted, especially if it was within reason.

The jealousy was, simply put, FOMO. I envied because I felt left out from what was deemed normal or popular at the time, even if it wasn't just me who had company bags and just-enough school baon. Aligning with society's expectations and norms to feel belongingness acceptance was what it was.

Bloom where you are planted and all that~

It would be a shameless lie if I said that as an adult, I've completely grown out of that—that shadow of wanting to fit in, to be perceived as what society thinks is normal and acceptable. Every now and then, I would still feel it whenever I glanced at the kind of conventional successes the people in my immediate environments had achieved. I would feel it come up whenever I scrolled through my social media feed filled with updates from batchmates popping wedding wine corks and x number of kids here and there and being asked when my time was coming. I would feel it bubble up whenever some people spoke to me about being ~old and sayang, as in "what a waste... you could have been like so-and-so had you [done this or that]."

But growing older and a bit wiser is a gift, if not the. I am grateful for everything, even the misplaced envy, that has led me to all that I am and have today. I feel at peace with the idea of going at my own pace, of choosing how to define myself and carving a tiny space in this world on my own terms, of knowing that my self-acceptance comes first before society’s.

What is at least one thing you wish society would just stop expecting from us?

Family

Good news: My mom is fully vaccinated. Not-the-best news: Me and the rest of the family, not yet. It’s funny because some friends have been asking if I had gotten it yet and what brand, given where I live and given what’s being reported on the news or social media. As I tell my brother every day, can this g0v3nrment please at least give us this one thing?

For those vaccinated: How are you doing, in terms of side effects and health status?

Faith

… in art is something I would like to try doing more of. (The last was in 2019, as shown in photo below.) Ana, Arli, Ayeen, and Nikka are some of my inspirations—they weave it into their works in a more organic than a prescriptive way, which was most of what I’ve come across in the past.

What is something you strongly believe in that you would go to the ends of the earth defending?

Feelings

This month has been an emotional Anchors Away. One day, I would be crying for what felt like every hour, even at the softest brush of the wind on my face; another day, I would be laughing and giggling and feeling all swoony over a photo of a… BTS pen or a Sowoozoo GIF. One day, I would be supercharged with motivation, ticking off boxes from my to-do lists while hair-flipping; another day, I would be laying down on the floor in the middle of the work day, wondering about how close we are to the possibility of moving to another planet. But I love my mess and chaos.

How was the first half of the year for you, and what are your hopes for the other half?

Fiction

… and other literary stuff~ is going okay! Aside from poetry clerb (new poems to be shared on my Patreon next week), I’m attending Accountability Club and Accountability Crew sessions with fellow Patreon creators. These are small groups, so the interactions are intimate, and they have been so far effective in allowing me (at least) to thaw and flesh out my ideas for projects, setting goals and schedules, and taking cues from others’ experiences.

Speaking of, I have a ~*new*~ tiny project, which is *ta-da* the OK to BE zine. I’ve been sharing about the process on my Patreon, with my patrons pitching in on what they think would be fun. (Some of them are subscribed here too, so hello, thank u, u ohsum, u olredi know. /tears) It’s kind of inspired by this very newsletter, with the maiden issue’s theme being FOOD featuring some creators I invited to contribute. The plan is to release it this July*, so I hope you can look forward to it!

*More details on how to get a copy soon—that is, if you want one, but it will be free for patrons here.)

Here are a few of my past tiny projects:

Zines I sold at the BLTX Davao in 2018

Last, I’ve been studying more to improve my editing skills for literary fiction (ICYMI: I offer beta reading and editing services for Filipino authors in selected genres, with special attention to indie), attending classes and free webinars. Sometimes, I’d feel so overwhelmed, like HOLY CARABAO THERE IS SO MUCH TO LEARN WHY CAN’T I HAVE MORE THAN ONE BRAIN AND 48 HOURS IN A DAY, and then I’d feel intimidated. All of these creative work are part-time jobs or sidelines for me now, and looking at my goal to go full-time for this, I have a long way to go. But I also have high hopes.

If you are or if you aspire to be a beta reader or editor, please reply to this email or leave a comment below. I’m looking for people to work on yet another tiny project!

Food

Disclaimer before you go through this section: I eat vegetables and fruits every day and more regularly than these ones below, okay. I care about my health, ma’amsers. HAHAHAHAHAHA

BTS Meal, all day, every day… not. But this is a delicious, filling meal. Get one or two, if you can! Mix the Cajun and Sweet Chili together for maximum enjoyment.

Bibi Mangki chocolate sugar cookies by Rio’s Kitchen Davao (they also made BT21 ones for me!)

Thank you to yeh yeh ma lomeh, Mary! Subscribe to her newsletter here.

Plus sweet treats from Kana’s Delights! Tina and I sent cupcake kits to the Kathys for Festa. Sharing links here to some of their ~masterpieces: Ellie’s, Tia’s, Trish’s, and Pinky’s.

⭐ Featured

...Giveaway: I’m gifting three of you here ~a little something as a thank-you. To join, just reply to this email or leave a comment below answering any of the prompts in this issue, and I’ll include your name in the raffle. Open until July 7.

The ~a little something may or may not be this:

...... Books of the Q2... plus this week: I'll be sharing #KBookJo Episode 2 on my Patreon next week, which will be a wrap up of all the books I finished this second quarter of the year. Right now, I'm about to start reading this one below—How to Ride a Train to Ulaanbaatar and Other Essays, sent to me by the author in exchange for a review on Bookbed.

This will be added to the Bibi Mangki Bookbed library, so if ever you’re here in the area, I hope you drop by :)

What is your #1 read of the year, so far, and do you think I should add it to my TBR pile?

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That’s it for now! Thank you for being here. I hope you picked up something fun or useful! See you in the next one. ☀️

If you enjoyed this newsletter or have any questions, I hope you let me know. I appreciate your effort in growing our connection!

OK to BE