#031: Let's make a habit out of saying "no"
Rejection, wounds and scars, the desire of wanting to give up, and more tiny yet precious life moments
Hey, there! OK to BE is a Sunday newsletter about my adventures in reading, writing stories, creating art, collaborating, and being human. Thank you for reading! :)
Like so many of us, I’ve been told “no” for more times than I can count. “No, you can’t be this.” “No, you can’t have that.” “No, you can’t do this.” “No, you can’t achieve this.” Just “no.”
“Art should comfort the disturbed; art should disturb the comfortable” / Taken in Singapore, May 2023
It would hurt, and I would sometimes shake my fist at God (just a teeny bit) or plot small-time revenges (nothing criminal; just some going-against-the-grain kind of things!). But rejection was an open wound that I eventually learned how to clean up as needed, mostly thanks to the lessons of the seemingly insurmountable challenges of my chaotic but admittedly fun 20s.
Partly because of that, “no” became a friend. Insert cliched stories here of “I turned a no into a yes,” because heck yeah, I did them. Not everything went well, but the lesson was that: there was truly power in turning the tables at one’s will. I trained myself to no longer be just a receiver of “no;” I became a giver of it, too. That was how “no” became less of an attacker, and more of a tool. I knew then I had to claim and own it, and use it to my advantage.
(Wait, this is sounding a bit villainy, but stay with me, haha!)
For that to work, I had to let go of my people-pleasing habits. I also had to let go of my unfounded self-expectations, some of my insecurities, and a bit of my pride. On top of all that, I had to know and build myself, and learn and choose what was right and just and fit for me. Or else societal pressure was going to crush me.
The mental and emotional shitstorm has definitely been hard and painful work—anxiety is a fickle friend and so is self-doubt, and therefore would often take its toll, but whenever I feel like giving up, of course I tell myself “no.”
And saying “no” to myself at both crucial and trivial moments is great exercise. It’s not because I don’t think I’m good enough for something, or that I’m not deserving of things, but it’s because after the work I’ve done on myself so far, I know saying “no” would be best for me, that it would be the right thing for me to do.
Saying “no” to things or other people is also good. Sometimes, they just aren’t for me or they aren’t for me right now, and that’s OK. (It took me a few years and a hundred heartbreaks to get to this point, so, no, it’s not as easy as *snaps fingers*!). And if one day I want this particular thing again or something else, and it’s going to shut its door in my face, yelling “no,” then so be it. As I’ve said, I’ve been told ‘no’ for more times than I can count, but with my wound now fading into a faint, kind scar, I know now that I can always find a way to turn those into a ‘yes’ that is my own.
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This is a condensed version of what I wrote on my Patreon. I’ve been writing more personal stuff for my patrons, among other things, as a ~deeper vulnerability exercise~ and thought I’d extend the practice here. If you think that’s something you also want to read more of (or do), then come this way; I shall welcome you with virtual open arms.😁 Click here to enjoy a free seven-day trial!
When did you last tell yourself “no”? When did you last say “no” to something or someone?
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📚 Reading
→ I’ve been pretty slow these days (I’ll share more about why in the next issue) but because I’ve been tagged by a couple of friends on Instagram (shout-out to Sheng and Janelle! Hehe), na-pressure ako hahaha so here’s my reading update!
📝 Writing, Editing
→ Looking for children’s lit readers who want to share their book reviews on Bookbed, and for the Philippine Board on Books for Young People. Reply to this issue/email, or contact me here!
→ That said, Bookbed is always looking for readers who like sharing their book reviews! Submit your work or ideas for projects/columns here.
→ @asoftlanding_ph submissions (We closed the Call for Submissions last May 31; thank you and good luck to all the writers!)
→ Beta reading and editing services here! (Work with me, or refer me to someone who might be looking for these services; I would highly appreciate it! )
→ FREE DOWNLOAD: Simple How-To: Self-Edit worksheets!
🎨 Creating, Collaborating
→ SEA Lit Circle Writers Festival happening next month (July)!
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That’s all for now! I hope you picked up something fun or useful.
If you have any questions, suggestions, or nice things to say (hehe), type them in the comments section below or reply to the email. You can also always join my Patreon and/or the OK to BE Discord, and visit my page.
See you in the next one!
☀️ KB
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OK to BE Newsletter: #030: Let's flex our creative muscles!
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I was interested in All The Lonely People but i've been swayed by reviews I read (not quite a lot) that this was placed on the back seat. Thanks for the update KB! I've faced a lot of rejections in life. Each time, it hurts but not as much as the previous one. But there were Yeses that hurt me as well, far more the No ones. So yes, ironically, let's find time to contemplate on the ones that we should say no to.